Thursday, April 23, 2015

Blue Dream

Blue Dream

Windows turns blue beneath
a Finnish summer sky
and magpies make way with my jewelry.

The waters turn blue down the
Southern Peninsula, making my toes exquisite.

Blue Curacao.

A painting dressed in chiffon blues
hangs upon the wall.

My mind feeds on a blue cloud of smoke,
my body is effervescent

Blue-eyed cats sit in repose
against a Spring day, screen mesh
dotted with rainbows.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

check in

I see I didn't post a word for March.  Too caught up in my own aches and pains to put out anything of worth.  I finally got those drains out, of course, and then spent a few weeks having to put a wet to dry dressing on the incision by my belly button because it wasn't healing well.  Was able to stop doing that a couple of days ago.
I have barely left the house except to go to the doctors.  In a huge amount of discomfort that doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon.
Damn this reconstruction anyway.  Should've stopped at the mastectomy, and have done with it.  Spilt milk.

Monday, February 23, 2015

the dreaded drains

It has been a little over 4 weeks since my surgery, and I still have my drains in... it'll be another week I think.  Decided to take a shot of one of them half full, just to remember... like I'd ever forget.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

recovery and loss, these past 3 weeks

I haven't taken a picture yet this month/year, and I am itchy to get the shutter clicking.  Of course it has been a month of doctor's visits and surgeries, and roads to recovery, so I have not exactly been in the photographing mode.  Besides being in pain, and unable to walk very well unassisted, it is way to cold to step outside, and even my cat isn't amenable to haven't a photo session.
31/Jan/2015 0:41

My house is a mess, and I didn't try to straighten it before surgery, and am unable to do it now.  I'm a slob.  It's very frustrating.

It's 3 o'clock in the morning, and the percocets aren't having the sleep inducing sensation they usually do.  So, watching repeats of Friends, and strolling the internet.  Not much people interaction at this time of night.
These drains are still deep red and filling frequently.  Ugh.
31/Jan/2015 3:07

I ran out of percocets yesterday, and have had 2 days of pain.  It is all your head can think about.
Tonight luckily I got a couple of percocets from a neighbor.  It sucks th at they can't call in pain pills to the pharmacy.  I'll get another prescription on wednesday when I see Dr. Cohen.  I hope he athinks I'm doing well.
2/Feb/2015 23:30

It's late wednesday, early am of thursday, the fifth.
My mother isn't doing well.  Tree says she is dying, she has given up.  I can't even reach her by phone, and am not in any shape to be getting there, so it all just sucks.  This seems to be the end of the line for her, and I can do nothing.  My mother dying?  It sucks that she didn't have any quality of life these past few years.  I pray that she will go into her husband's arms, and be at the true peace she craves so badly.  This life has just become too much.  I've missed her for a long time already.
I am a little numb over everything going on.
Today I saw Dr Cohen my sweetheart of a plastic surgeon.  They milked the drains and got out quite a bit, as there had been a clot on either side.  The drains are leaking and there's not much you can do about that, except maybe wear sanitary napkins. at least they would stick.  Hard to get out and get that.
He said i was healing well, and was very comfortying, as usual., along with Launda, his nurse.  Launda was going to come tomorrow, to walk with me, buyt I told her not to... that I'd walk some with evie... at least around the halls, since it's going to snow some more.   They knew I was in p ain, and Dr Cohen was concerned that I needed an anti anxiety with what's going on with my mother, on 0top of the recovery.  They called in the meds (percocets and xanax) to the maimo pharmacy, up t he block, and Dr Cohen went and got them himself, and wouldn't take any money for t hem.  What a guy.  He showed me pics of his  2 young sons, and 9 mos old daughter.  He must be such a loving father.  Adorable kids.
Wish I could get it together enough to make him a lady of abundance before next week.
5/Feb/2015 0:51

My mom died this morning around 9am.  She was the best mom, and a  good friend all my life.  We did so many fun things together that I will never forget.  Life with her and my dad was the best.  I pray you are with daddy now, and even your mom and dad, and that the love is neverending.
9/Feb/2015 22:40

Couldn't get any more percocets from the doctor, suggesting 800mg of motrin.  They don't want you to get addicted, I guess.  So, tolerating a little more pain than usual.  Still have the drains.  Whatever.
I miss my mom and want to talk to her.  A weird feeling.  I remember that feeling when daddy died.  Wanting to talk.
Thinking all kinds of after death scenerios.  What the interaction, if any, would be like.   I think light beings relating purely, knowing each other at it's  p urest.  The ability to overlook this earthly life, but just as observers.... without judgement.  Pure love.  I wonder if they interact with the angels, and remind them to watch and help us.  Spirit persists, I know that.  Soul is forever.
There are many steps.
13/Feb/2015 0:41

The wake was today.  They did her well, and she looked good, very much at rest. Her hands looked beautiful.  It was a small turn out of people, and I appreciated those who showed.  Tomorrow is the funeral, but we're not going to take the long ride out to Riverhead for the buriel(at Calverton military cemetary with my dad).  It's just too far and the weather is expected to be bad.  We'll do t he mass in the church, St. Catherine of Alexandria.
16/Feb/2015 22:50

It snowed a good amount overnight, and through the morning.  Mom and I had a thing when it snowed, where we'd always call each other and say "It's snowing!"  It was our thing.  This time she told me from heaven, I guess.   "It's snowing, Ma', I said back to her, 'it's snowing."
17/Feb/2015 14:08

Monday, February 9, 2015

My mommy died

After a year and a half of battling infected bedsores, my mother has passed away.  My heart is broken.  She was the strongest woman I've ever known, so full of life.  I pray she is in heaven with my father now, and dancing the Lindy with him.  She had such a hard life. and now she is at peace.  I love you mommy.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

my mom declines

It seems that my mother may be dying... soon, I mean.  She has been battling these deep bedsore infections since before I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She has been in and out of the hospital for nearly 2 years now, and each admission shows her declining, and unable to tolerate this life anymore. She is 87 now.  She is in another world, Theresa says, and barely eats and can hardly sip through a straw.  I am unable to go see her because of the condition I'm in, and I can never reach her on the phone.  They are going to evaluate her for hospice care.                  My mother had so much life left in her, and again illness had to rob h er of that.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

the road to recovery

Went through quite a surgery four days ago, for my breast reconstruction. It was seven hours long, and involved intense abdominal surgery, required for the muscle and fat.  Post operatively I experienced acute respiratory failure, and had to reintubated.  I developed pneumonia. I was in surgical ICU.  The following day I had the tube removed, much to my relief.  Spent saturday and sunday in the step down unit, and was considered stable enough to be discharged today, monday.  I have a considerable amount of pain, but the percocet does help some.  Got a couple of surgical drains that I have to deal with.  That's pretty gross. Lots more doctor visits ahead, and truly, I am just tired.  I pray there are no new complications, and that this is the end road in my breast cancer journey.  Except for nipples, but that is a fairly simple procedure, OR 3d tattooing process.  Another 6 or 7 months, I believe, before I get to make that decision.  Who knows, I may opt out of it altogether.  So far, there has been the bilateral masectomy with multiple lymph node discetion, port insetion, chemo  for four months,  radiation for 35 sessions, port removal, (and currently) removal of tissue expanders,  TRAM flap surgery (free flap), and hopefully that is pretty much it.  If anything, I think I'd get the tattoos, as they are very realistic, and the area is fully numb, so it's no big deal.

This has been a long road.  If not going through some type of treatment, there was always the anticipation of treatment/surgery to come.  It has been 15 months.  Once I'm recovered now, I wonder what lies ahead for me. There must be a change ahead.  Something of accomplishment, other than kicking cancer's ass.  Maybe it will be the completion of my novel, and the subsequent publishing of it.  That would surely be a kick.

We're having a blizzard tonight.  I may have stayed the hospital a day longer, but that would've ended up being days instead, with no way of getting transportation.  Was able to get an ambulette this afternoon, but tonight there's a curfew for being on the road.  No public transportation either.  Hopefully people are where they should be, and hopeless make their way to shelters.

When I went to the hospital, I brought my Surface with me, which had been fully charged the day before but suddenly dropped to availability of 7 mins!  And I forgot the bring the charger with me.  Oh well.  It would've been something to do, because it was all so boring.

I was told that I wouldn't be able to stand or lie straight postoperatively, but I am able to do both.

Wish I was able to share some photos, but that just hasn't been happening.  Couldn't very well bring such expensive equipment to a relatively unsecure place.  Would've taken pics of my nurses and aides, and resident doctors, and my plastic surgeon.  Too bad, I would've liked that.

I hear the snow plows scraping along the streets.

Monday, January 12, 2015


In less than 2 weeks I am scheduled for my TRAM flap operation.  A 7 hour long process, and quite an involved procedure where the muscle fat etc of the abdominal muscles are used to create breasts.  That is just stating it simply... it is an intense and complicated surgery.  I will wake with pain controlled by morphine, I assume.  Just wanna wake up, that's all... 7 hours is a long time to be under.  I'm nervous about the whole thing.  It scares me, but I want to have it done.  The recovery is hell for a good two weeks, and then tapers off some when I can finally lay straight and stand straight.  I'm hoping the drains (at least 4) won't have to stay in for too many weeks.
I've yet to get clearance from my pcp, and have to hustle to do that this week, I didn't know.  She hasn't seen me in well over a year, and won't be too happy about that.  Pre admission testing next week.  So between the pcp and PAT, that'll be a lot of blood taken.    All this happening in too short a time for my liking.  I could back up and postpone, but I so want to be done with this whole friggin thing.  
This is going to be the worse of it, I know.  A lot to endure for the sake of breasts, but there is something deep inside that wants breasts again, or at least the allusion of them (illusion?  whatever).  It's something I don't think I need to explain.
Tired of thinking about it, but being right around the corner, which it is, it's hard not to.
No pictures this year so far, and something tells me it'll be a while before there are any at all.  I actually shot off two frames of the top of my head, with my silly hair growth on the 1st, just to have pushed that shutter... but odd thing... it registered as if taken on the 2nd.  Don't quite understand why, and hey  I'm rambling like crazy here.
Listening to Buffalo Springfield , For What It's Worth, on Pandora radio.  "Paranoia strikes deep, into your life it will creep.."

Mixed bag on Pandora, but mostly stuff I dig.  You pick the artists you want, and they add similar artists.  Good stuff.

Going on 2am.  Wish I had a sedative to take, but have none.

Aah, Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay.  Thank you, Pandora radio.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Welcome, 2015!

It's a new year!  I wish all of you good health, prosperity, love and joy.  I found this pic/saying online, and liked the sound of it.

Oh well, it won't upload for some reason.  It said: 2015  This is the year I will be stronger, braver, kinder, and unstoppable.  This year I will be FIERCE.


Wednesday, December 31, 2014

new year's eve

During these last hours of 2014, I'm going over the year.  The first half was all cancer treatment, months of chemo, and weeks of radiation.  A lot of exhaustion and pain.  Radiation was so bad, just tedious, doing it every day (cept sat and sun) for about 7 weeks.  Then, moving back into my apartment (I had been living with evie during my treatments).  Just took it easy for the rest of the year, really, going to family gatherings at Melis's house, or Tree's place.  Took a short but very nice vacation in August with Tree, Melis and Logan.   Since then the months have rushed by.
I'm looking forward to good changes.  My reconstruction is scheduled for the end of january, and hopefully that's when it will be.  I've not been smoking, as per my plastic surgeon's orders, and it is very hard.  Just taking it day by day, that's all I can do.
I want to work on the hard copy of my novel once and for all this coming year.  Yes, that's a resolution... or maybe just one for the bucket list.  I want to take way more pictures...  I only take the camera out for events with Logan, or something similar.  That's all well and good, but I want to get some creative shots going.  I want to go to Starbucks with my Surface, just for a cuppa joe and the chance to use public wi-fi.  I want to do some things that I can't imagine doing right now, but when I do them, I'll remember writing this, and refer to this post in a new post telling of the adventure.
I wish a wonderful year to all of you reading this.  May it be magical.

Here's a recent shot of the winter sky.